What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I think the readers, may guess!

All the time i was locked up.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

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Especially a lifetime of it.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Would this be the day?

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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

What movies have not aged well?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

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But ive been too sick for many years..

It was going to be , some day.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I want to touch my sister’s boobs. What do I say?

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

What are some reasons why some men choose to live alone instead of getting married?

My family never makes their pension either.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Is it true that LGB should drop T?

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

As i do to all so called friends.?

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

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The only rule us 5 kids had .

I was seconnd youngest,

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Put me off passion for life!!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

This is soul school!.

When she asked me how she looked .

She loved him until the end.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

I was very sick at this time too.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

She wouldn,t have been !

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I will be 64.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Im still living with it.

She was in good health!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

But, we were locked up after school.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

So whats the point in blame.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Who then, do I blame.?

One cannot live in the past .

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I don,t even have a pension.

Was to survive, this bastard.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I write beautiful poetry .

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

But it wasn’t much.

He knew the spot.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

And i lived it daily.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

We were not on the streets..

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

What did i know ?

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I waited trembling.

Comes on , in middle age.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Ive learnt so much.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I said to her

We all went to grammer schools

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I never cut or harmed myself..

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I was scared of men, in general

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

She married twice! .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

So, i spoilt her more .

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

My life is so biszare .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I could never make a relationship work though!

She found it foreign!.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I was 9 years of age.

I have no regrets .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Why did i forgive my father ?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!